Lift kara de!

"Make it fast you fat-ass... we'll miss the Honda City wale uncle".

My roommate calls me by that name, without even an iota of embarrassment. FYI, his body proportions go like 85-125-110.

As always, I laughed it off pitying his overblown aspirations of being able to match my athletic body frame someday!

"Come on dude. It's only 9:10. That chap comes at 9:20. There's no chance we'll miss him. Now shut up and let me concentrate... Wallet. Watch. ID card. Hankerchief. Earphones. Cellphone. All set... lets go...!"

"Dude... you forgot wearing your pants!"

"Oh my god! You are so funny Anuj! Now move you Gainda-Fool!"

 

We rushed towards the elevator.

"Why is this damn thing always at 0? @#$%%$TER@#@#!#!^&%#$@!", I cried impatiently.

Living at the 11^th floor isn't always fun, especially when you know that your boss can fire you for entering office 5 mins late.

We finally managed our way down.

"Okay. Here's our chance. You see that car coming. Just pounce on it. I bet it's going towards Mindspace", Anuj readied himself for thumbing.

"What are you doing???", I pulled him back forcibly.

"That's against the rules! We DON'T take lift from Maruti 800's and Alto's. PERIOD", I tried to make a straight face.

"Loser… Look at the time! First you take bloody 25 minutes in the bathroom doing god knows what. And then these tantrums! I'll loose my job like this!"

"Shut up and walk. And walk slowly. Our chances of getting a lift dip drastically as we near the main road."

"Look ahead you fool. We are almost at the main road. And I see no prospective lift coming our way. You let go our only chance. Saala maruti mei nai jayega… bhaav to dekho!"

"Look behind…", I ordered Anuj trying not to show my excitement.

"Honda City!!! You sure it's him?"

"Looks like… Now get aside. My track record at this is better than yours"

 

I moved ahead confidently to signal for a lift.

I just raised my hand a little and the grey sedan de-accelerated to a smooth halt right in front of us. The window slithered down. A breeze of cool ambi-pur scented air gushed at us almost making us forget the formalities!

 

"Aaa… Sir… Cyber Towers?" Anuj stammered in his trademark extra-polite, almost fake, accentuated manner.

"Yes yes… Hop in". Pat came the reply from inside.

"Thank you sir", we both murmured - more out of habit than a feeling of gratitude!

 

"So… now you regularly hitchhiking?", asked the person driving, in an almost self-congratulatory tone. "You followed my advice!"

"Yes sir. We thought you were right. Haggling with 3 autos, inhaling all that pollution… It's not wise after all.", explained Anuj.

You can't beat him when it comes to articulating utter nonsense perfectly!

 

"I told you last time only when I first gave you lift. You shouldn't be shy. It's a duty of people like us who have a car to help people like you who have to commute daily in such adverse conditions and then slog it out the rest of the day in office. I completely understand!" 

"Ya Yaaaa!" I yawned almost dozing off given the AC comfort and ample leg room. "Honda has made a fine car!"

Official Audio Release: 'Light Kab Aayegi'

Now stop wondering and giggling at that name! Read on, coz this is goin to be a life-changing experience, especially for those agonized by daily electricity cuts and load shedding. Guys, your anthem is here!

This is our first full-fledged 100% original song. With 'our' i mean, that this song is composed, written and sung by me and my friend - Vaibhav.
There's a little story behind this song. It dates to about 2 years back. Me and Vaibhav were sitting idly, bored to hell, as there was no electricity. We ultimately decided to play Carrom, but with the board upside-down! Lousily and lethargically, we went about tossing the striker and wondering..."Light Kab Aayegi yaar...". And then, it happened! EUREKA! "Lets compose a song"!!!
I picked up my guitar and started strumming in search of a catchy tune...
The rest, as they say, is history!

So here it is, a song which we composed 2 years back, digitally recorded for all you guys to listen and appreciate. Yes. Appreciation is mandatory.


~~~~~THE OFFICIAL AUDIO-RELEASE CEREMONY ~~~~~

Blow the trumpets
Unleash the Champagne Fountain
And hail the latest pop sensation.... 'PnV'

Ok guys. Now all you have to do, is click on the link below.. RIGHT NOW.

Download the song and let the music play baby!!!

Light Kab Aayegi [Download Here]

[Alternate Download Link 1 (4Shared)]

[Alternate Download Link 2 (Rapidshare)]

Artist : PnV

Lead Vocalist : Vaibhav Verma

Backing Vocals : Pranay Sethi

Lyrics : Vaibhav Verma and Pranay Sethi
Composition : Vaibhav Verma and Pranay Sethi
Music : Pranay Sethi


So guys.. wat are u waiting for!!! Listen to the song online, or download the song and listen to it on your favourite music player, share it with your friends and let the world know about it!

It Elevates!

There's a lot that can happen in an elevator. Well.. you can atleast make a lot happen. Because the elevator or 'lift', is inherantly a really interesting place.
It's a vehicle where perfect strangers stand barely milimetres apart, and stare at eachother, or the walls, or into the mirror. It's the panacea for the handicapped, and hell for the claustrophobic. People exhibit rare phenomena inside those closed walls while they are waiting for the lift to thud to a stop at their destination.

Some adventurous kinds find it the perfect place to do what had long been thought of as strictly a bedroom activity. Reaching an orgasm before the lift comes to a halt gives them a high, more ecstatic than the orgasm itself. And then there's the possiblity of the lift getting stuck between two floors. That's utopia for them.
There are other sorts of travellers as well. Like those who love to put their creative side on display by sculpting an artefact on the elevator's mirror with that chewing gum in their mouth. They derive immense self pride in the fact that they have embellished a perfectly spotless mirror with their prized gum creation. Super!
And then there are people who just have to press all the buttons on the panel, even if there's a 'Freefall' button on it.
Also, there are those who crave for an empty lift. God knows what they crave to do for those barely 20 seconds when they are trapped all alone inside a metersquare cubicle. Well there are plenty of things. Some ladies get the invaluable time for touching up their makeup. Some dance, while some practice for Indian Idol Season 1037. You can count me in for the latter case. Yeah baby, those 20 seconds are my 'riyaaz' time!

Ok, enough of categorization. There are many normal folks also, who simply do nothing or stare at their watch, or fiddle with their mobiles. But you know, the lift can be fun. The fact that neither you, nor the people rubbing shoulders with you, have anything to do for a good 20 seconds, is in itself quite curiously potential! If you are even slightly wacky (like me!), those 20 seconds can drive others on-board crazy, while giving you the kick of a lifetime. 


Check out my TOP 10 MUST-DO'S in an Elevator:
(I take no responsibility, whatsoever be the result in case you decide to try out any of these.)

1) PICK YOUR NOSE:
Put your index finger straightaway into your nonstril and rotate vigourously. That may sound YUCK! Well... its not your problem. It actually is. But its more FUN than YUCK. Now when you have got enough material (ewwww!), just find the cleanest wall around, and aim at a spot.. and SPAT! Throw it hard enough that it sticks to the wall! And then.. comes the victorious moment... Look at each disgusted person in the lift and give that triumphant look as if you just won an Olympic Gold! "YEAHHHH"!! And then watch them fall sick!

2) UNLEASH THE CRY-BABY IN YOU:
Just let those tears flow and the shrieks echo in the confines of the lift. Cry out as loudly as possible... moan and groan. But the key here is, dont give others a clue about the reason behind your sudden outburst. Keep them guessing and confused. Cry louder if someone tries to console you, and put all the blame on that fellow!

3) DELIVER A LECTURE/SPEECH:
Here's your chance to voice your opinions about issues plaguing the world and your society. The lift provides you with a stage, and your co-travellers are your (helpless) audience. Blurt out loud, all your knowledge about world peace, global warming, corrupt politicians, and terrorism. Dont forget to use direct speech. Talk in terms of "You", point fingers directly and give your own talismans. Just let the fits of rage show!
HINT: Take cues from Star News, Aaj Tak, India TV and Zee News on how to scare people with the weirdest of news and bone-chilling way of speaking.

4) FART and STARE:
You need some preparation for this. Eat lotsa mooli paranthas or pakoras. Then step into the lift. And fart your way to glory! And then starts the fun. Pick one person (besides yourself!) from the fellas present on-board. Now you just have to give subtle signals. Move away from him/her. Pinch your nose in discontent. And keep staring the person and make all believe that he/she's the culprit. Then watch him get isolated in the middle, while others make their way towards the edges. And when your stop comes and the door opens, just sound a HUGE sigh of relief!

5) TIE THY LACES:
This one is best done in jam packed conditions, when there isnt an inch of moving space in the lift. Bend down, causing lots of inconvenience to all around. Now keep tying and untying your shoelaces. Or still better, tie together laces of different people shoes. And then, simply watch the fun.

6) THE DEPRESSED SOUL:
Now this needs patience. Stand in one corner, facing the walls, and put a grim look on your face. Dont talk, dont react, and dont bother to get down at any stop. Just stay there like that, sad and depressed, helpless and poor soul, dejected by the world. You are sure to spark off some interesting discussions and oh-mi-gawds!

7) YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?:
Early morning, push a table and a chair inside the elevator. Get seated on the chair and put some papers and a pen on the table, and simply wait. Now whenever the door opens, you simple have to say : "Heyllo Senor. You have an appointment?".

8) KILL ALL SUCKERS:
Find imaginary flies in the lift, and swat em hard. Hit the imaginary mosquitoes on the walls. And in case you manage to seriously kill a fly, show off its left overs (stuck to your palm) to others, victoriously and with the most evil laugh..."Suckers!". You can also be considerate enough to charge upon any flies (existent or not) sitting on others faces, shoulders, backs and heads.

9) RINGTONE RINGTONE:
Usually cellphones come with some really irritating ringtones. I have one which has the weirdest animal sounds in it. Then there are the various type of fart ones, and those loud LOUD futuristic, funky and almost irritating ones. Heres a brilliant way to utilize em all. Play them at maximum volume, and flaunt them as if they are your original compositions. Put the speaker of your phone just next to the ear of a person on-board, and watch him shriek and jolt.

10) SHOCK LAGA LAGA LAGA :
Press a button on the panel, and go 'BOOOOM'! As if it blasted off. Then press another and shake the hell out as if you just got an electric shock. Repeat it several times, and then watch others hesitantly head for the shock-giving buttons!


These are all tried and tested measures to attain lots of publicity and but even more flak, and a few black eyes. But hey, one thing's for sure - The elevator elevates! Not only your body, but your spirits as well!
So comeon... tell me, which one you liked the best, and tell me if there are more you can think of. Am sure you can! And do tell me what happened if you actually did try out any of these!

A Plea for Help

I am overworked, underpaid, and overexploited. I am tortured mercilessly, and I still can’t complain to anybody. I am lonely and am desolate. The life I live is monotonously mechanical and routine. I am crushed under slavery and there’s no ray of hope in sight.
I am, Pranay’s Laptop. And it isn’t easy to be one.

I can’t even commit suicide. He won’t let me do that, coz I know, he’ll also die if I cease to exist! So basically, am caught in this never-ending cycle of life and death. Oh... Lord Babbage (You see... he was the Father of Computers. He gave birth to us.), please give me freedom from this freaky world of humans. Atleast free me from THIS barbaric, weirdo and unrelenting master.

I ask you... do you torture your ‘peecee’ like this?? Yes, I don’t like the so called P.C. Its so... arghhhh! How would you humans feel if we call you by abbreviations? "Heyy BB!!! Ooops... Bipasha Basu!"
So stop calling me that Pee dot Cee dot.

Ya, so where was I? Yes... Is every computer on this earth as tortured and helpless as I am? I wake up early, work throughout the day, am forced to open lousy webpages everyday, and am made to sing at the top of my voice – that too the songs I hate (He doesn’t like Himesh, can you believe it!!!). And what do I get in return?? Nothing!
My throat aches every night, and I don’t even get any cough syrup. He can atleast download an image of Glycodine and save it on the desktop. But no, he just feeds me electricity... day and night... just 220V of pure electrifying electricity. What the hell!

Oh, how can I forget his noble acts of charity and philanthropy? He gifted me the trial edition of an Anti-Spyware on my last birthday. How chweeeeeeeeeeeet!!!
Imagine you being gifted a Raincoat on your birthday. Now you feel the agony?

There was a time when i was in the hands of Pranay's brother, and was used for doing interesting things. I was given interesting algorithms to make and softwares to build. My mind was sharp and it was utilized to its optimum. This is what we all strive for. We are essentially brainy guys, you see...
But now, its all changed. Coz now, my master has changed. Pranay is a lazy doom. He doesnt have an iota of brain in himself and is making me dull too. He just dictates me his good-for-nothing blogs, and makes me write and compile them. 
Imagine the agony of going through each and every blog of his! I know you all can relate to my anguish. He almost makes me feel old and ailing. I wonder if i have wrinklesappearing on my face... Ohh dear!
And thats not the end. I am kept on the whole day. He’ll make me sit idle, but won’t let me sleep. I am forced to act as postman. Transporting emails, scraps or IMs between him and his friends is a routine business for me. I once told him to please make an Orkut account for me, and he just laughed it away! What does he think of himself!
Don’t computers have a life? Don’t we have a heart? Don’t we have feelings? I also like to socialize. But he doesn’t even give me a chance. The only encounter I have with species of my kind is with his cellphone. But here too, no physical contact allowed. He always uses Bluetooth. This wireless I tell you, it has ruined our sex life. But he can atleast use Infrared. Its short-range and slow, so I can be in contact for a longer time and be much closer to the phone. Though even that’s of no use. His phone is a Sony you see, and we at Dell don’t get physical with rivals. Huh!

But yes, there was a time, when life was pure bliss. He used to take me to his college some time back. There I met the girl of my dreams. She was a Caucasian too, just like me. White as Snow. We were the stuff, fairytales are made of. She had beautiful and wide 15.4” eye. Her Altec Lansing speakers said sweet nothings to my ears. I could'nt help but blush! My CPU ran at millions of MFLOPS everytime she came close to me. Love blossomed, and we planned for a live-in relationship. She had ample space in her disk you see. We both could have easily lived together.
But in our world, true love is seldom understood by our masters. Pranay stopped taking me to college. And that was that. I even forgot to ask for her email ID. I’ll have to hack Pranay’s address book now. I hate acting mean, but I am left with no option. Now where did I keep the dump of the ‘I Love You’ virus. This is what we computers have to do, when we don’t get what we want and the slavery becomes unbearable – we disguise our desperation as viruses and play havoc on our masters!
Now you’ll see my wicked side Pranay. Now you’ll realize my worth.


- A troubled laptop
(I would appreciate your condolences. Will try to come back here and read your comments before that moron comes and sees them.)

A Routine Day at College

"Shit Shit Shit.. one more attendance gone.." i managed to breathe out to myself, as i skidded to a screeching halt just when the door slammed shut right at my face. "Crap!", I blurted out. The sexagenarian yet moronic security incharge, passing by from behind, nodded in discontentment at me. I immediately thanked god for i didnt mouth the f-word, else he would have surely suspended me from college.

Sensing the drama, IJK grinned at me from the other side of that door made of wood, with a small glass window in the centre. I tried to explain - "Mam, my cab got late", as if i was audible inside. Obviously guessing what i was animatedly trying to tell her, she passed that wicked smile again, but this time with a seemingly taunting comment. Just as i was trying to decipher what that could have been, the door creaked open. And she stood there - one hand on her waist, the other, gripping the door handle tightly, waiting to slam it again at my face.
"Did your cab got stuck in a jam? Or did it have a flat tyre? Oh I know, it must have been that girl... you got late because of her, right?". I knew this was coming. "Uhh.. Err.. Well... we forgot to pick up a person, so we had to go all the way back!", I knew she'd slam the door hearing that. "Uhh... please send those five idiots out, else i'll get bored...", THUD!

"This is the limit man! I was only 20 mins late", i shrugged. "Why did the first lecture have to be of IJK"?
I managed to pass the rest of the 20 mins left of the lecture by loitering around the college. Entered the library (surprize surprize!), to flip through the newspaper; "What! No DT (Delhi Times)!", i gasped, "What kind of a library is this!", and left. Didnt really have anything to do, so decided to utilize the rest of 10 mins in the loo. Oops, sorry, "Rest Rooms", as they call it! Stared at the mirror for quite some time, eased off and washed hands twice for no apprehensible reason. Soon, a sudden rush in that dingy lavatory suggested that it was 9:20. Time for the next lecture.

I was again greeted with that familiar grin, this time from those 'idiots' aka friends aka classmates. "Why does everyone greet me with that half-cheek up smile everytime?", I demanded despite knowing the answer. No one cared to reply. The stupid grin on their faces just emancipated into an even sillier burst of laughter. "Shutup, you morons!" i retaliated, and looked for a seat next to them. The moment i got seated and the white-board came into view, i saw her...

"What! IJK again!", i felt like banging my head against a wall.
"She's taking this lecture too", Hitesh broke the good news to me. I desperately searched for a wall. "Continuous one hour and forty minutes of IJK!!! Thank God she didnt let me attend the first one!", i felt almost victorious. "Thank your cab you fool!", Shuchi, seated to my left, corrected me.
"PRANAYYYY"... screamed IJK, deafening me for a second.
"Yes Mam", i responded, trying hard not to laugh, but failing miserably.
"Please find better excuses from next time", she continued in her trademark tantilizing manner.
"I'll try mam".


P.S. Just to tell you, IJK stands for InderJeet Kaur.

Me and My Dreamzzz... kuch zyada hi baatein karte hain!

You know, i get some really REALLY weird dreams at times! Its like... the next morning, i almost bang my head against the wall when i realize how stupid a dream i had last night.
Lemme cite an instance.. One fine night, i dreamt that I am a virtual reality video game character and i have to fight a dozen jumbo-sized flying dinosaur like creatures who are well equipped with their XXXL size canines and claws, waiting to tear me into pieces! And what i have been given, as an article of defence, is a sickly sword. I was running atop buildings(yes, spidey style) trying to 'shoo' the mammoth birdies away and they were after me like hell, tasting flesh from every nook and corner of my body. It was slaughter. The worse thing was that it was a virtual reality game, and i was actually feeling the pain and was shouting.. "Itni bhi kya reality yaar!". Somehow, i managed to hide in the kitchen of my house (don't ask from where did that come from)! Phew!

Last night's dream marked the height of insanity! It was a fine day, and i had gone to an open-air mall (our second home, almost) with a friend of mine. We have spent almost half our lives loitering and basically doing nothing in the crowded corridors of that mall. And suddenly, in the dream, we saw the place completely transformed into a chic, upmarket, spic and span fashion hub, with a beautiful central garden. Awstruck, i somehow suddenly realized that it was my birthday that day(#Z%^!$%*@%)! But to my disappointment (which soon made way to fits of rage), nobody remembered it. Neither my accompanying friend, nor did my dear college friends, with whom i had chatted over the phone only a few seconds before, remembered it. And heres the worst part : All the newspapers carried a front-half page advertisment with a huge photograph of mine, dressed in a smart italian suit and Gucci shoes! It read "Happy Birthday Pranay! ...From Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi and Family!".
I was like... "Look... its everywhere in the newspapers... And you guys DONT even REMEMBER!!!"

Well... this was just a glimpse into my mad world! You must be thinking, if this is how my dreams are when i am asleep, then how downright ridiculous would my daydreams be!!! I may just share some of those too... sometime else! And in the mean time, why don't you guys share some of your weirdest dreams... Lets have a competition for the wildest and the most insane dream!!!
Lemme fall back to sleep now... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!