Sunday, June 29, 2008

It Elevates!

There's a lot that can happen in an elevator. Well.. you can atleast make a lot happen. Because the elevator or 'lift', is inherantly a really interesting place.
It's a vehicle where perfect strangers stand barely milimetres apart, and stare at eachother, or the walls, or into the mirror. It's the panacea for the handicapped, and hell for the claustrophobic. People exhibit rare phenomena inside those closed walls while they are waiting for the lift to thud to a stop at their destination.

Some adventurous kinds find it the perfect place to do what had long been thought of as strictly a bedroom activity. Reaching an orgasm before the lift comes to a halt gives them a high, more ecstatic than the orgasm itself. And then there's the possiblity of the lift getting stuck between two floors. That's utopia for them.
There are other sorts of travellers as well. Like those who love to put their creative side on display by sculpting an artefact on the elevator's mirror with that chewing gum in their mouth. They derive immense self pride in the fact that they have embellished a perfectly spotless mirror with their prized gum creation. Super!
And then there are people who just have to press all the buttons on the panel, even if there's a 'Freefall' button on it.
Also, there are those who crave for an empty lift. God knows what they crave to do for those barely 20 seconds when they are trapped all alone inside a metersquare cubicle. Well there are plenty of things. Some ladies get the invaluable time for touching up their makeup. Some dance, while some practice for Indian Idol Season 1037. You can count me in for the latter case. Yeah baby, those 20 seconds are my 'riyaaz' time!

Ok, enough of categorization. There are many normal folks also, who simply do nothing or stare at their watch, or fiddle with their mobiles. But you know, the lift can be fun. The fact that neither you, nor the people rubbing shoulders with you, have anything to do for a good 20 seconds, is in itself quite curiously potential! If you are even slightly wacky (like me!), those 20 seconds can drive others on-board crazy, while giving you the kick of a lifetime. 


Check out my TOP 10 MUST-DO'S in an Elevator:
(I take no responsibility, whatsoever be the result in case you decide to try out any of these.)

1) PICK YOUR NOSE:
Put your index finger straightaway into your nonstril and rotate vigourously. That may sound YUCK! Well... its not your problem. It actually is. But its more FUN than YUCK. Now when you have got enough material (ewwww!), just find the cleanest wall around, and aim at a spot.. and SPAT! Throw it hard enough that it sticks to the wall! And then.. comes the victorious moment... Look at each disgusted person in the lift and give that triumphant look as if you just won an Olympic Gold! "YEAHHHH"!! And then watch them fall sick!

2) UNLEASH THE CRY-BABY IN YOU:
Just let those tears flow and the shrieks echo in the confines of the lift. Cry out as loudly as possible... moan and groan. But the key here is, dont give others a clue about the reason behind your sudden outburst. Keep them guessing and confused. Cry louder if someone tries to console you, and put all the blame on that fellow!

3) DELIVER A LECTURE/SPEECH:
Here's your chance to voice your opinions about issues plaguing the world and your society. The lift provides you with a stage, and your co-travellers are your (helpless) audience. Blurt out loud, all your knowledge about world peace, global warming, corrupt politicians, and terrorism. Dont forget to use direct speech. Talk in terms of "You", point fingers directly and give your own talismans. Just let the fits of rage show!
HINT: Take cues from Star News, Aaj Tak, India TV and Zee News on how to scare people with the weirdest of news and bone-chilling way of speaking.

4) FART and STARE:
You need some preparation for this. Eat lotsa mooli paranthas or pakoras. Then step into the lift. And fart your way to glory! And then starts the fun. Pick one person (besides yourself!) from the fellas present on-board. Now you just have to give subtle signals. Move away from him/her. Pinch your nose in discontent. And keep staring the person and make all believe that he/she's the culprit. Then watch him get isolated in the middle, while others make their way towards the edges. And when your stop comes and the door opens, just sound a HUGE sigh of relief!

5) TIE THY LACES:
This one is best done in jam packed conditions, when there isnt an inch of moving space in the lift. Bend down, causing lots of inconvenience to all around. Now keep tying and untying your shoelaces. Or still better, tie together laces of different people shoes. And then, simply watch the fun.

6) THE DEPRESSED SOUL:
Now this needs patience. Stand in one corner, facing the walls, and put a grim look on your face. Dont talk, dont react, and dont bother to get down at any stop. Just stay there like that, sad and depressed, helpless and poor soul, dejected by the world. You are sure to spark off some interesting discussions and oh-mi-gawds!

7) YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?:
Early morning, push a table and a chair inside the elevator. Get seated on the chair and put some papers and a pen on the table, and simply wait. Now whenever the door opens, you simple have to say : "Heyllo Senor. You have an appointment?".

8) KILL ALL SUCKERS:
Find imaginary flies in the lift, and swat em hard. Hit the imaginary mosquitoes on the walls. And in case you manage to seriously kill a fly, show off its left overs (stuck to your palm) to others, victoriously and with the most evil laugh..."Suckers!". You can also be considerate enough to charge upon any flies (existent or not) sitting on others faces, shoulders, backs and heads.

9) RINGTONE RINGTONE:
Usually cellphones come with some really irritating ringtones. I have one which has the weirdest animal sounds in it. Then there are the various type of fart ones, and those loud LOUD futuristic, funky and almost irritating ones. Heres a brilliant way to utilize em all. Play them at maximum volume, and flaunt them as if they are your original compositions. Put the speaker of your phone just next to the ear of a person on-board, and watch him shriek and jolt.

10) SHOCK LAGA LAGA LAGA :
Press a button on the panel, and go 'BOOOOM'! As if it blasted off. Then press another and shake the hell out as if you just got an electric shock. Repeat it several times, and then watch others hesitantly head for the shock-giving buttons!


These are all tried and tested measures to attain lots of publicity and but even more flak, and a few black eyes. But hey, one thing's for sure - The elevator elevates! Not only your body, but your spirits as well!
So comeon... tell me, which one you liked the best, and tell me if there are more you can think of. Am sure you can! And do tell me what happened if you actually did try out any of these!

68 comments:

Arjun said...

It will elevate ur spirits even after doing point 1 and 4 uh??? Think abt it..... lol
Anyway it was a funny, sometimes disgusting read.....
I have another silly idea here, but again u might be caught into trouble ..... - Take out ur phone, pretend u r talking to someone.. Say these words as loud as u can - " Son of a bitch, Murder him. Get the dead body to my place, i'll reach there in 10 mins. How dare he stared at me in the elevator this morning..?1? " .... imagine the reactions of ppl around... ;)

"Absurdity Zindabad....!!"
Cheers..!!
Arjun

KK said...

I like the do you have an appointment one... haha, maybe ill do that sometime during my hols

C R D said...

hahaha. good one man.:d

i too always wish tht the e;evator is empty. i do my riyaaz in there too:P. not jus singing(mostly evil black metalesque growls :p), but also for air guitaring and moming ppls' voices:P (i love doin the sunil shetty voice :p)

eww..gold digging? :P

the fart one is good. but being fat, i wouldnt really tk the risk:P

cheers
ChRiS

C R D said...

and isnt it strange? in the lift, you tend to keep really silent. people dont even look at each other and smile. atleast i dunt :P

shekhar said...

hehe, now the name 'think trash' makes perfect sense.
I agree with kk, appointment one was the best, thinking about that.
updated my blog too, check it some time : http://summer-diary.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Nice must-do's to elevate dat moment...but if ur d lucky one as d guy in 'take me away' jingle vodafone ad, den u might even find ur soulmate...
u can even scare ppl by standing in front of d entrance, staring dem as if ur goin to dig a knife just as it reaches a floor...or make dem feel uneasy by staring a person constantly and if ur really a wierdo, den give him wrong signals...
n if ur really in a mood to bully someone, its a must;simply stand in d way and dont let d other person get out of d elevator....works best wen lift is packed wid ppl(not done,but seen it happen)...
In all,fun-4-all 'Liftoholics'

aakaash.aki said...

hahahaaaa,,,,,,woww man,,,,really had a laugh of hearty laugh readin it.
Loved unleash the cry baby in you and fart and stare.
Actually tried the shock laga thing, it really is a kewl way to hav fun wid guys.

Depressed soul, why will anyone ever bother to look at ya,after all its for just 20 secs rite?
And the 1st one was yikeeeesss

anyways gonna try the fart n stare thing, its really a fanny one.

aakaash.aki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aakaash.aki said...

Actually read it somewhere, and wantd to share it out here, as the topic of the blog is also the same. Another thing we can do in the lift is:--Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your thirst. Does anyone want some?"

Pranay said...

hey arjun... thnx for the comment buddy..
i m glad you thought it was disgusting! It was meant to be that way!
I love ur idea!!! Its damn good man! But never try that in a lift installed in CBI, FBI or the police office!
cheers!

Pranay said...

@kk
thnx bro... do try it out.. i'll wait for the response!

@crd
hmm.. so theres a hidden rockstar hidden inside chrissy! eh!
and so wat.. even m a bit fat.. dont thin ppl have a right to fart!!!

Pranay said...

@shekhar
yayyy!!! so now i have lived up to my name! i'll check it soon buddy..

@anonymous
how'd i like if u disclose ur identity! anyws.. good idea there.. but u just might get thrown out on the wrong stop, while trying to block others..

Pranay said...

@aakaash
hey thnx buddy..
u tried it!!! ok.. wid frnz.. its fun.. but try it wid stangers sum day! :p
and that idea is awsome!!! i'd like to try it sum day!!
and the depressed soul one is strictly for long journeys or you may as well stay there for an hour and wait for the news to spread that theres a louosy soul lamenting in the lift!

Rashi V said...

The seventh one seems the most doable!! But for a crazy person like you , I think any one is! :)

Which one you gonna try??

RicochetRabbit said...

hehe...good one...
i liked d Fart n Stare!


will keep coming

Pranay said...

@rashi
there goes my image for a toss!!!!
i just luv the nose picking one.. and ya the 7th one.. .and also the shock laga one! though i may try all of em out some day!

@ricoche....(watever!)
well.. thnx for ur comment!

*Mandy* said...

i'd love to push the freefall button!

terminalrant said...

LOL..

Now some serious thought has gone into that post.. :D

Well I think the one that my friend and I have done with awesome results is, to talk in your own new language and make it look like you are having an argument. Most often our language sounds like a cheesy Japanese movie. Its hilarious, the reactions. Though we try this everywhere, in the lifts, on the roadside before crossing the road, on the buses. Results guaranteed!!

Maybe you should try too.. :D

☺☻ said...

The moment lift is about to close, rush into it. then hurriedly check evey corner and wall. Then as the elevator starts to lift give a huge scream " damn! this is not a loo".
Then give some real restless looks and then as if u have lost all control move to corner, facing the wall, and spill some liquid out of the small bottle underneath your pants, and make a sound of relief.
Make sure the liquid wets the floor.

That's it now relax and watch as everyone dances to avoid the flowing liquid from kissing their footwear.

☺☻ said...

Print (to make it look authentic) following words on paper:
"Avoid Elevator".
"Ropes under repair".

Move into the lift when it's empty and paste these papers on the sliding doors from inside such that the meaning is clear only when the doors are in contact.

Now watch people move in and rush out on the very next floor screaming abuses for the lift man who put the notice on the wrong side.

☺☻ said...

Walk into the lift wearing shoes and a real stinky pair of socks(generally we men always have).
Make sure there's some dung sticking to your shoe. Now act as if something inside the shoe is pricking you.
Take the shoe off (setting free the smell of your socks) and hold it, as if you are looking for a thorn, right in front of the face of the person next to you so that he can have a good close-up of the dung.
Once you feel he has had a good look, ask him with amazement:
"Mast rang nikhara hai na. Jaane itni achchi ghaas in dangaron ko milti kahaan se hai."

andback said...

NO.1 absolutely cracked me. Great writing man. it was as if i was watching it happen before my very eyes!

ROFL

http://andback.wordpress.com

itshodgepodge said...

It was hilarious!! I've an idea as well - It has to be a sky scraper (with 20floors atleast), as soon as u get into the lift(at ground floor), press all the buttons upto the topmost floor, n then simple, just get out at the first floor, n enjoy the show with the people cursing endlessly:):):)
Btw Shock laga laga laga, nose digging, n depressed soul were hmmmmmm:):):) nose digging mein u can use clothes of ppl if u fall short of walls:):)

P.S. saale moans and groans!! bas ye batade! kahan, kab, kiske saath try kia tha!! n btw how can a cube be in metres square!!:-p:-p

Anonymous said...

NOTE:
this comes under fart n start genre:
simply stand facing towards the wall and act as if u've to 'PEE'....
as if ganges is coming out of it and feel relieved after passing...

or u can search for an invisible thing, n make other ppl think as if their IQ started decaying as they entered the elevator...

well my friend, just to let u know "ANONYMITY IS MY IDENTITY"

stephen said...

hey well written yaar

ur 7th and 9th one was good

i liked it...


10 must does in a lift:p

hehehe

Pranay said...

@mandy
hehe! tell me if u find a lift with that button!

Pranay said...

@terminalrant
yaa.. that one is a sureshot winner! thnx girl!

@'smileys'
yikesss!! those were really disgusting!!! much to my liking! well done! and thnx!

Pranay said...

@stephen, @andback
thnx guys for ur comments..

Pranay said...

@hodgepodge
hehe.. but m sure u can do much bettr than that.. infact i expected THE most disgusting answers frm u... comeon.. try.. u'll come up wid sumtng for sure..

acha na.. kyu itni nuisances mei jata hai, its obvious that surface ke area ko refer kia tha.. technical insaan! :p

Pranay said...

@anonymous
ur ideas are cool... but identity, quite identical to many around. Unimpressive. :p

Aravind said...

Nice post..

Comfortably Numb said...

INDEEYAHHHHHHHH INDEEEEYAHHHHHHHHHH
:P
I wonder if you people have seen that advertisement of Asia Cup which India will eventually win.
Thats all Im gonna do. And besides that Im too busy checking out the hot chick standing right next to me. Ohh yeahh its compulsory that if im in a elevator then there HAS to be a hot chick in it. She HAS to be single. And do I care if she actually is :P. and then last She HAS to stand right next to me :)
SO thats all I do and im too busy inside the elevator to try any of these..lmao
other people may thank you but I wont:P

Cheers and Nice post!

Mihir said...

will it be easier to have an orgasm if the lift is going up?
or will it be easier if its goin down????
Hmmm, i wonder. I very much wonder...

Pranay said...

@comfortably numb
dude.. i doubt whether u actually ever manage to board an elevator.. coz its not always easy that all ur conditions are met!!! so probably u end up taking d stairs only!!!

Pranay said...

@mihir
dude.. try it out someday.. and tell me too...
well i thnk while goin down its goin to be much more fun.. coz u feel lighter na.. so it will all be like.. floating in d air.. :p :p

rinzu said...

yeah boarding an elevator is always one hell of an experience...

nicely penned...

:)

Hakuna Matata said...

Blogrolled ya!

The Solitary Writer. said...

hey its good buddy

ur does were good
:p

btw complete ur tag dude

check my blog

http://diablolord.blogspot.com

Pranay said...

thnx rinzu, hakuna and steph
i'll do the tag soon steph..

... said...

after reading 10 tips
i felt alleviated!!!

Arun Kumar said...

man....u r one sick guy...n funny too...personally i've tried that shock thing with my pals once....they freaked out...

parie said...

fundoo hai.,

Pranay said...

@ '...' and 'parie'
thnx ppl..

@arun
dude!!! i expected such a comment frm sum1.. and there u r!! i probably succeeded in creating the right impression! :p
tknx...

sajjapraveenchowdary said...

hahha... those ideas seriously rock dude... I hope u haven't tried any of them on any occassion.

The Solitary Writer. said...

hey btw pranay wht made u write that

hmm hehehe

but ur does r really funny though

hey yeah coming to ur point

wht u said on my blog comment

we shud try something different

lets talk about that in the forum of our community

multiple bloggers in a single post

woww that wud be amazing

Madhurima said...

That was extremely funny! nice
piece sarcasam is not a easy thing to write

gauravbrills said...

lovely post this..just got our of two elevators on the way to my house..:)..I usually stand there and listen to music that just makes the trip shall I say a bit like a turnstile rhapsody ...
any ways u can also experience weightlessness if u have a free fall from an elevator lol

The Lover said...

really funny post!! elevated my spirits!! lol

Pranay said...

@sajjapraveenchowdary
thnx dude... no i hvnt tried any of them.. but i sure plan to!!

Pranay said...

@steph
what made me write that!! well we shifted to our new home(an apartment flat) some time back... and it has an elevator.. so whenever i am in it.. i kinda find it an interesting place... so i thot why not write sumtng abt it!

Pranay said...

@madhurima, gaurav, the lover :
thnx guys...

Neha Pinto said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pranay said...

@neha
do try em and tell me the results..!!!
and yes, one can reach an orgasm in seconds.. probably they did they have to do the foreplay beforehand, and then rollover into the lift!
ok.. enuf of all that!
thnx for ur comment!!

Suchi said...

pranay i simply loved it...i found the depressing soul the funniest and simply luv wht arjun has commented...hehehheee

Suchi said...

hey i hope u dont mind me adding u in my blog list...

Pranay said...

@suchi
ofcrs nt yaar... go ahead!! :P
and ya i kno.. arjun's idea is awsome!!!
thnx a lot!

Raphael said...

"what all to do in an elevator"

im gonna try them next time am in one!

another idea to do is to breathe loud as if u have some breathing problem, get everyone all worried!

markalive said...

:-)

Pranay said...

@raphael
hey thnx.. and do try em out n tell me d results.. and ur idea is interesting lol!! "Call the Ambulance!!!" hehe!

@mark
thnx.. but i thnk u cud hv expressed better with words!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Lol did you do any of them? :)

Have a nice week ahead!

Pranay said...

@sameera
well actually no, its for you guys to try!! Cmon, gimme some results!!! :p

Swapnil said...

the must-do points are too gud...

BlacK rA!nS; CoLOr SOot said...

hahah!! i reali reali liked this blog. the ten rules! i loved the shoelace part and the lecture part!!
we reali can use the news channels way of putting things across.

love this post! keep penning more

RiverSoul said...

Absolutely devilish and hilarious.
You can even put satan to shame.
:)
Blogrolled ya.

Nupur said...

AWESOME post!!! Had a wonderful time reading it!! How do you come up with such wierd ideas?! Blogrolled you!

Pranay said...

heyy nupur.. thnx..
well.. i used to travel daily in the lift.. so i was free for that one minute... so i utilized that time by thinking abt these wacky ideas!

Adisha said...

Lol... I like it !!!

Fantabulous ... Liked the appointment and have some good ring tones in mind for this exact occasion :D

Cheers,
adisha

cutestangel said...

hee hee this is sooo funny but your ideas are somewhat disgusting!!!!

Thanks for dropping by my blog.
http://cutestangel.wordpress.com/category/fiction/