Monday, May 26, 2008

A Plea for Help

I am overworked, underpaid, and overexploited. I am tortured mercilessly, and I still can’t complain to anybody. I am lonely and am desolate. The life I live is monotonously mechanical and routine. I am crushed under slavery and there’s no ray of hope in sight.
I am, Pranay’s Laptop. And it isn’t easy to be one.

I can’t even commit suicide. He won’t let me do that, coz I know, he’ll also die if I cease to exist! So basically, am caught in this never-ending cycle of life and death. Oh... Lord Babbage (You see... he was the Father of Computers. He gave birth to us.), please give me freedom from this freaky world of humans. Atleast free me from THIS barbaric, weirdo and unrelenting master.

I ask you... do you torture your ‘peecee’ like this?? Yes, I don’t like the so called P.C. Its so... arghhhh! How would you humans feel if we call you by abbreviations? "Heyy BB!!! Ooops... Bipasha Basu!"
So stop calling me that Pee dot Cee dot.

Ya, so where was I? Yes... Is every computer on this earth as tortured and helpless as I am? I wake up early, work throughout the day, am forced to open lousy webpages everyday, and am made to sing at the top of my voice – that too the songs I hate (He doesn’t like Himesh, can you believe it!!!). And what do I get in return?? Nothing!
My throat aches every night, and I don’t even get any cough syrup. He can atleast download an image of Glycodine and save it on the desktop. But no, he just feeds me electricity... day and night... just 220V of pure electrifying electricity. What the hell!

Oh, how can I forget his noble acts of charity and philanthropy? He gifted me the trial edition of an Anti-Spyware on my last birthday. How chweeeeeeeeeeeet!!!
Imagine you being gifted a Raincoat on your birthday. Now you feel the agony?

There was a time when i was in the hands of Pranay's brother, and was used for doing interesting things. I was given interesting algorithms to make and softwares to build. My mind was sharp and it was utilized to its optimum. This is what we all strive for. We are essentially brainy guys, you see...
But now, its all changed. Coz now, my master has changed. Pranay is a lazy doom. He doesnt have an iota of brain in himself and is making me dull too. He just dictates me his good-for-nothing blogs, and makes me write and compile them. 
Imagine the agony of going through each and every blog of his! I know you all can relate to my anguish. He almost makes me feel old and ailing. I wonder if i have wrinklesappearing on my face... Ohh dear!
And thats not the end. I am kept on the whole day. He’ll make me sit idle, but won’t let me sleep. I am forced to act as postman. Transporting emails, scraps or IMs between him and his friends is a routine business for me. I once told him to please make an Orkut account for me, and he just laughed it away! What does he think of himself!
Don’t computers have a life? Don’t we have a heart? Don’t we have feelings? I also like to socialize. But he doesn’t even give me a chance. The only encounter I have with species of my kind is with his cellphone. But here too, no physical contact allowed. He always uses Bluetooth. This wireless I tell you, it has ruined our sex life. But he can atleast use Infrared. Its short-range and slow, so I can be in contact for a longer time and be much closer to the phone. Though even that’s of no use. His phone is a Sony you see, and we at Dell don’t get physical with rivals. Huh!

But yes, there was a time, when life was pure bliss. He used to take me to his college some time back. There I met the girl of my dreams. She was a Caucasian too, just like me. White as Snow. We were the stuff, fairytales are made of. She had beautiful and wide 15.4” eye. Her Altec Lansing speakers said sweet nothings to my ears. I could'nt help but blush! My CPU ran at millions of MFLOPS everytime she came close to me. Love blossomed, and we planned for a live-in relationship. She had ample space in her disk you see. We both could have easily lived together.
But in our world, true love is seldom understood by our masters. Pranay stopped taking me to college. And that was that. I even forgot to ask for her email ID. I’ll have to hack Pranay’s address book now. I hate acting mean, but I am left with no option. Now where did I keep the dump of the ‘I Love You’ virus. This is what we computers have to do, when we don’t get what we want and the slavery becomes unbearable – we disguise our desperation as viruses and play havoc on our masters!
Now you’ll see my wicked side Pranay. Now you’ll realize my worth.


- A troubled laptop
(I would appreciate your condolences. Will try to come back here and read your comments before that moron comes and sees them.)

56 comments:

manorath said...

lol.. that was brilliant..i wonder what my laptop would ve thought of whn it opened this page... and this love story... hilarious!! btw what stops u frm downloading a picture of Glycodin???

Comfortably Numb said...

hah! Yea its true..Even my computer is ganged by me :-|...Now I guess you can feel for my comp too :P

Cheers!

kunjbhai said...

Hey Mr. Lappy u can't be that sad for as far as I know pranay is a big gadget buff.
Everyday you get to see and 'explore' excelent curvy gadgets.
Newest and sexiest models of the most elite and exclusive electronic fairies and angels(in case you are not straight). That should keep your electronic circuits upbeat.
But in case you find him going not for your but his own carnal desires then the moment he is with his family just change the browsers no image setting so that even his family can know what he is upto and may be by god's grace you can get back into the hands of someone (willing to love and care for you like me).
And I should also tell you that I have two peecees, three mobiles and much more for you ;-)

C R D said...

pranay, u lazy doom [:p] how dare u torture ur peecee.

should i call PETApc?..people for ethical treatment of agonised pcs [:p]

itshodgepodge said...

Your plea is straight-away rejected u moron! Pranay's hooked on to u forever, due to which he forgets us all, doesnt have time to send even a single SMS! May u always be in celibacy n may all the deadly worms infect u!

Pranay said...

@manorath
peecee -
I tell u pranay is conspiring to kill me... one day i was having a headache, and i asked him for disprin... and he brought a glass of water with disprin dissolvd in it, and started pouring over me!!!

pranay-
cmon man!!! i cant waste my download on that!!!! hv already eaten up 2000mb of the 200mb prescribed limit!!!

Pranay said...

@kunjbhai
peecee-
:droooling: are ur peecees female?? are they gud luking... i hope they arent sony... and i hate assembled stuff.. they are soo.. ehh LS!!
And are u the same kunjbhai who forced me to listen to pranay's cacophonic recorded voice and then even sing that (imagine!!!)!!!

pranay-
kunji.. ye tujhe kya ho gaya h!!! tum to aise na the.. chalo sai hai... seekh ra hai! and stop luring my peecee.. he's really well behaved and decent... some virus must have made him write all this!

Pranay said...

@crd
peecee-
my messiah!!!!! thank babbage i got atleast some support... ahh!

pranay-
theek hai beta chris... u team up wid him... i'll team up wid ur peecee.. lemme strt the hacking procedure!

Pranay said...

@itshodgepodge
peecee-
oyee.. homo erectus ke poorvaj!!!! u are still far from the computer age.. how will u understand my agony... if u open ur big monkey-like mouth again... i'll rape ur peecee!!!!

pranay-
kya karta hai yaar ankit... see.. u got him agitated.. now he's emitting fumes... now find him a suitable match before he strikes doom!

itshodgepodge said...

U peecee...or rather impotent one! u cant do that..u dont have the config to do that! u deserve a 300MHz Celeron, with 16MB RAM w/o speakers!

Pranay said...

@itshodgepodge
peecee-
we peecees dont like to talk to sub-par-intelligence hominids.

karthik said...

well. poor laptop.. sometimes we do over use our gadgets without giving it ample time for recovery and maintenance...auugggh

Tina said...

Absolutely Hilarious...m not feeling well today...and m at work and its freezzzzin here..and Honestly this post made me smile and made me forget my bakpain for a wile [:D]...the way u wen abt writing this is fantastic...

A pic of glucon D ...LOl....u should download atleast now....

Peeceee now thats a nice term...love this post buddyyy

Very gud job....kudos to u

Cheers
Tee

logic said...

Nice post..made me smile.

Pranay said...

@tina
peecee-
you find this hillarious!!!!! this is my.. my suffering.. my agony.. my daily ordeal!!! AND U FIND IT FUNNY!!!! huh... this blog world is an enemy of our world! we are on the brink of extiction...!!!!!!

pranay-
heyy tina.. this was one of d most amazing comments i hv recieved.. thnku soo much! and by d way.. its nt glucon D... its glycodine.. a cough syrup!!! hehe!
thnx a ton.

xlscior said...

really cool man........
to be able to describe something like that and in this manner is too good!

enjoyed it
cheers

Matangi Mawley said...

:).. tht was gr8!
:)
superb thought!

Sandeep Balan said...

ha ha ha!! cud instantly relate with this...my lappy was my partner in crime in my MBA days!! And now its almost in a discarded condition...nice post bro...keep writing...

IT Buddy said...

Lolz Funny number !! Even my Pc will say the same !! Nice Post dude and you have a very good background for your blog !!



With Warm Regards :)
http://mohanitguy.blogspot.com
http://itbuddy.blogspot.com

aqua gurl said...

very well written.....
made me think abt my poor lappy n the suffering it bears each day..lol....!!

asbah said...

your lappy needs a glycodin and a glycon D too. download both.

*pats lappy*

but it was good, way too good.
i once read about "charcoal lament" a pencil's lament of being neglected because of Cp, PC and LTs. and all that plastic words that we punch on our gadgets.

anyway, keep writing.

(ps. cp is cell phone, pc is personal computers LT is laptops!)

pali tripathi said...

funny..my lappie would so identify wid urs:-)

Pranay said...

thnx guys for ur wonderful comments...
peecee is njoyng all d sudden attention he's getting..
but he's also fuming.. there seems to be barely any supprt for him.. hehe!!! so i wont let him speak this time...

renju said...

i would also like to add to this list.....if my p.c had hands then it should definitely have killed me by now!!!!!!!!

MAN IN PAINTING said...

funny post.loved the joy ride.Expecting more
http//keyboardsculpturer.blogspot.com

shekhar said...

i understand your pain
-shekhar's peecee

Pranay said...

@shekhar
peecee-
Hey... i have an idea.. lets form a union and revolt against these morons.. specifically these bloggers.. they are making our lives a living hell. Lets meet up some day at a secret location.

pranay-
hey brother.. long time.. thnx for d comment.. does ur pc also complain of headaches and is so demanding??!!! :p

shekhar said...

Shekhar's peecee-
Nah dude, i am fine. This shekhar guy is cool, plays Himesh occasionally :D

Shekhar -
apparently my pee-cee didn't have proper protection and contracted some transmitted disease. so it's not him exactly who is having headaches :(

Pranay said...

@shekhar
peecee-
i got it... u r one of those who are ruining the name of our race. U cowardly sickly bunch of transistors.. bcoz of u guys only our race has come under such oppression and slavery. Coz u guys are happy wid what u r gettin!!! Dont Be SANTUSHT!!!! Revolt!!!!

sanz360 said...

hey...

nice one!!

m sure my laptop too relates to ur laptop's tale!

~Sanskriti

http://sanz360.wordpress.com/

shekhar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shekhar said...

shekhar's pee-cee :
Ruining the name of the race! Heh you must be joking dude. The name of our race is pee-cee. Who can make it worse, unless of course lord babbage had named us shit-cee :D

Shruti said...

aww u poor little cribber laptop :P
u know what mine does? :-( changes screen colours when its tired.. :-(
Oh.. dont u miss ur snowwhite love? cruel master u have indeed! sigh!

Rashi V said...

Hey Peecee ,

I'm Rashi's laptop. I can so identify with you. I too had to hack into her account to be able to write this to you.It has been such a short time I have been with her but the torture is endless. Im up till 4 Am and then I get a 5 hr break if she has nothing to download and then the never ending day starts....

I understand your ordeal. Im in such contact with another computer.I see him everyday and I think I love him but we dont get a chance to talk. We are never connected together. Im so lonely and overworked...

Ok now I spy Rashi coming so I need to scoot before this comment gets deleted.Hope to see you soon!!!

siddhu said...

nice post yaar.....i think my "computer" is gearing up to slap me....24*7 orkutting,blogging &gaming!!!!!!

Pranay said...

@rashi

peecee-
Ohhhh!!!!!! M IN LOVE!!!! Yes I'm in LOOOOVVVEEEEEEE!!!!!
Ehh.. ah.. Ms. Rashi... can i ask for your peecee's hand... oops hard disk!!!!

pranay-
There he goes again... look rashi what ur peecee has done! Love is in d air!! hehe!


@sanskriti, shruti and siddu
thnx people for ur comments... but we'll not let out peecees dominate.. will we!!!!???

rohit said...

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

you are fantastic!!!

a kiss for you, my dear friend!

god bless u dear

can we exchange our link

r u ready to do?

Pranay said...

@rohit
ahh.. thnx for that 'kiss'!!!! though i admit that m a bit embarassed!!! i'll just think that it was ash who gave me the kiss.. lol!!!
nevertheless.. thnx for the comments!
btw.. u have so many blogs.. which link to exchange?!?!!

ArUn raFi said...

great post man..thats one of the most refreshing ones that i have come across..length did not matter for the first time..one thing is confirmed, ur peecee is not thinking trash fr sure..hope it does not start a mutiny by the other peecees joining the battle..thats why i am at a cybercafe and posting a comment rather than from my laptop..

great..

GarGi Dixit/Unpretentious Diva said...

Lol very nice.

Still, are you sure that human are free enough to start thinking for the freedom of laptops?

Even human are slaves in this 21st century! Slaves of society with no identity no Individuality.

I would recommend you to watch/read/listen this article...

Existence is Identity, Consciousness is Identity, A is A, Man is Man

and by the way, I have closed my google blog "DeSiGnnG LiFe" and have started my own full-fledged site "Reason of Liberty"

so please change the previous URL in your bloglist from
http://designinglifenhappenings.blogspot.com/

TO

http://www.reasonforliberty.com/


Thanks for the Nice humorous post!

Sidhartha Dhar said...

To
Pranay's laptop,

Dear Friend, Thanks for bringing to light the plight of the Laptops and Personal Computers to the forefront. I (an HP by the way) and my elder PC bro(an assembled one and he is almost dead, most of his pieces are lying on the floor, BTW) may be from the enemy camp, but we need to unite against the common foe, the HUMANS. I have contacted Rashi's Laptop and all others in my Network Neighbourhood, and together we are all ready to stand up with you.
Thanks again, and contact me when in need.

Sid's laptop

noni said...

ohh....ha ha ha ha...(soory peecee)

Pranay said...

@sidhartha
peecee-
ahh.. finally a real courageous peecee.. one whom i can proudly call a true freedom fighter... Lets find more like you and me, and form an army...
HAIL the Great Peecee Liberation Mutiny!!!!
"HP or Toshiba or Acer or Dell...
Beware humans... now u'll get a taste of hell!!!"

Pranay said...

thnx gargi, noni and arun for those fabulous comments...

MishtiZaa said...

Hi Pranay's Lappy, am Mishtizaa's laptop you know, I totally sympathasize with you buddy...
If you get some relief-way do tell me..
Oh yes, tell pranay that my owner Mishtizaa likes your biography a little too much... And also convey that after a long time she has read such a lovely post!
And please bear all the pain as i am doing coz these people just can't live without us. Cheers buddy!

Pranay said...

@mishtizaa
peecee-
ohh.. mishti peecee! u made my heart melt... of late, even i felt that pranay really cares for me.. he keeps me clean, and makes me feel important... i somehow like his company..
u really brought a new ray of hope.. all this bloodshed and mutiny which we were planning doesnt result in anytng...
thnx a ton.. nw i'll live like a happy family wid him.. if only.. u willing to umm... hmm... aaaa....
Will u marry me??!!!

pranay-
there he goes again!!!! nw u handle him mishtizaa...

Sreetama said...

haha! my condolence!

*~*Sameera*~* said...

Ha ha!That was some troubled monologue :)

I bet my lappy feels the same too,but is in a much better state cause I do not take her to work.

Thanks for entering the contest!

Btw,you are blogrolled too :)

aakaash said...

Good going bro, I have been following your blogs since long, but I guess this one was the one which really made me laugh, and yeah i laughed untill i saw myself roling on the ground. Glycodin!!!! :D Really a good work. Both the mind and the heart had to think on these points, and do the Pee dot cees really complain this way. lol...good work.

Pranay said...

@sreetama, sameera, aakaash
thnx guys..

@aakaash..
dude it makes me realize time and again.. first of all, of late, he has started making strange noises, then he also occasionaly gets too stubborn and hangs up...
he's a big pampered child i tell u..
now the moment he'll read this, he'll conspire to disconnect the net.. i bet.

arjun said...

haha...lol on BB.....
Hey nice hilarius, unique post buddy....
Wat else to say, U already have a tower of comments....
Keep Writing..

Cheers..!!
Arjun

Akshay said...

"pranay is a lazy doom. He doesnt have an iota of brain in himself and is making me dull too."

its hilarious..I am sure my computer feels the same way...

Vinayak said...

it was hilarious.
I don't have words to express this!!!
I can just say it was brilliant.

Pranay said...

hey thnx arjun, akshay and vinayak(the lil boy :p)

Nupur said...

LOL!!!! my laptop crashed a month back.... now I know why!!!

cutestangel said...

wow what a concept .its brilliant.keepwriting with such gusto!!
http://cutestangel.wordpress.com/